Two kids or three? Sitting with the uncertainty

The question I thought I had already answered

I want to talk about the decision of whether to have two kids or three.

For some context, I currently have a three year old and a five month old. If you had asked me before I had my second baby, I would have said with total confidence that we were stopping at two.

At the time, my now three year old was deep in the thick of the toddler phase. Big meltdowns. Tough transitions. Sayigng “no” to everything. It was intense, and the idea of repeating that stage three times, especially with three kids five and under, felt completely overwhelming. I felt very sure that two was our limit.

Breastfeeding also played a role. I struggled a lot with my first, and I carried a lot of anxiety into the thought of doing it again. At that point, stopping at two felt like the right choice.

Why things feel different this time

Fast forward five months, and this second baby experience has been… honestly, really lovely.

Sleep is still a work in progress, but in every other way, it has been gentler. Breastfeeding has been much easier. He is calm, sweet, and so incredibly precious.

He is trying to crawl right now, and I know once he is mobile, that phase where I can just hold him and snuggle him is going to slip away. Thinking, this is the last time I’ll ever do this, hits me harder than I expected.

Being on a different page than your partner

Another layer to all of this is that my husband really wants a third. If it were up to him, he would probably have four.

Not being on the same page is hard. I feel a lot of guilt around not wanting the same thing he does, especially when it comes to something as big as family size. Even when you know your reasons are valid, it still feels heavy to disappoint someone you love.

The logistics no one can ignore

Then there are all the practical considerations.

A third child usually means more space, a bigger car, harder travel, and several more years of daycare expenses. I know you are not supposed to make this decision purely based on logistics, but they matter. Pretending they do not would feel dishonest.

There is also the career piece. Since becoming a mom, I have intentionally stepped away from an intense corporate role and into something more sustainable. I am still working, but growth opportunities are limited. I still have ambition. There are still things I want to build and achieve. The idea of delaying that even further with a third child feels disappointing, and I am not sure I would have the same energy or drive if we added another baby to the mix.

Doing it solo more than I would like

My husband is in the military, which adds another layer of complexity. There are stretches where he is gone for months at a time.

This summer, he will be away for three months, and it will be my first time managing two kids alone for more than a few days. I already know it is going to be intense. I am even considering staying with my parents during that time just to have extra support. Imagining doing that same thing with three kids feels genuinely overwhelming.

Still leaning toward two, but with more doubt

All of that said, I still think two kids is the right family size for us.

What has changed is how certain I feel. Six months ago, I was sure. Now, I am not.

I feel envious of people who just know. The ones who say, our family feels complete. I wish I had that clarity, but I do not.

Advice that helped me reframe the decision

I heard another mom share something that really stuck with me. She said you are always going to mourn your last baby, no matter how many kids you have. Whether you stop at one or ten, there is always grief in closing that chapter.

She also reframed the decision in a way that felt grounding. You are not choosing between right and wrong. You are choosing between door A and door B. Door A is a life with two kids and everything that comes with it. Door B is a life with three kids and everything that comes with that. Both lives are valid.

She also talked about potential. We often frame it as, could I handle more? Could I stretch myself further? But choosing to stop before you are completely depleted does not mean you are failing to reach your full potential. Having some gas left in the tank is not falling short.

The age factor

Age is also part of this conversation. I am 35, turning 36 next month, and things do get harder as time goes on.

I am generally happy with our timeline, but I cannot help comparing sometimes. I have a friend who started younger. Her boys are five and seven, and she is about to have her third at 35. Her older kids are fully out of the toddler stage, and she had a bit of a break before going back into baby mode. That sounds really nice.

If I were to have three, I would want something similar. Two closer together, then a gap. But that would put me close to 39 or 40, and I do not want to wait that long.

Where I am landing, for now

So this is where I am. Still leaning toward stopping at two, but holding a lot more uncertainty than I expected. And navigating the added complexity of wanting something different than my husband.

If you have wrestled with this decision, I would genuinely love to hear how you landed. What advice helped you? How do you feel about your choice now, especially if some time has passed?

I could really use the perspective, and I have a feeling I am not the only one sitting with these questions.