Is it harder to be a stay-at-home mom or a working mom?

I want to talk about the much debated question: is it harder to be a stay-at-home mom, or harder to be a working mom?

I know. There is truly nothing productive that comes from pitting moms against each other. And that is very much not my intention. This isn’t about ranking sacrifices. It’s just something I’ve been thinking about lately, and I’ve landed on a perspective that feels true for me right now. So I’m putting it out there, fully aware that everyone’s experience is wildly different.

Before I get into it, a quick disclaimer. I was raised by a mom who did both. She worked early on, then stayed home for my first nine years until my brothers and I were all in school, and then she went back to work. Growing up, I got to see the beauty in both paths. It was incredible having her home when we were little, and I’m still so impressed by how she managed a career while raising three kids. That dual experience probably shaped how I think about this more than I realize.

Here’s where I’ve landed.

It depends on how many kids you have

This one feels obvious, but I think it matters more than we admit. The more kids you have, the harder it is to be a stay-at-home mom.

When I had just one child, staying home felt very manageable. Nap time was a real break. I could tidy up, have a moment to myself, sometimes even sneak in a nap. There was space to reset during the day.

Now, I have a friend with four kids who stays home, and honestly, I have no idea how she does it. Her husband is in the military and gone often, which means she is frequently the sole caregiver for four young kids. That level of mental and physical load absolutely blows my mind.

Number of kids matters. A lot.

It depends on how spirited your kids are

I try not to label kids as “easy” or “difficult,” so I’ll use the word spirited.

We all know that family who had the baby who slept through the night at ten weeks, barely threw tantrums, and could happily color in the corner for long stretches. If you are blessed with one or more of those kids, staying home is probably a very different experience.

Then there are kids who just have more energy. Bigger feelings. Louder reactions. More intense meltdowns.

I have two boys, one is three and one is five months. I adore my older son, but he can be intense. Around two and a half, his meltdowns were more frequent and more explosive than his peers. Daycare noticed it too. That season was a lot, especially when you are the one managing it all day, every day.

Temperament plays a huge role in how hard or manageable staying home feels.

It depends on how intense your job is

The third factor, and maybe the biggest one for working moms, is how demanding your job is.

When I had my first baby, I had a very intense job. Long hours, frequent travel, and very little separation between work and home. I would work all day, rush through bedtime, then log back on and work late into the night. That season was brutal.

In that scenario, being a stay-at-home mom honestly would have felt easier.

But not all jobs are like that. If you have a more sustainable role, something closer to a true nine-to-five with reasonable expectations, it can feel very manageable compared to staying home with little kids all day. There is something satisfying about sipping coffee in quiet, making your own lunch in peace, and having stretches of uninterrupted time. Especially if you work remotely and skip the commute altogether.

Right now, I’m in a less intense internal role, and while I wouldn’t call it chill, it is far more sustainable than what I’ve done in the past. And here’s the honest truth: on weekends, especially when my husband is away and I’m solo with both kids, those days feel more intense than my workweek. Work, at this stage, feels more manageable.

Where I’m landing right now

I have two little kids, a three-year-old and a five-month-old, and a job that feels sustainable. At this stage, working feels slightly easier for me than being home full-time.

I can imagine that shifting. Once kids are school-aged, fully potty trained, and past the peak toddler chaos, I can see staying home feeling easier. You get those school hours. The meltdowns are hopefully less frequent. The days have more structure. Of course, I know older kids come with bigger problems, so I’m not pretending it ever becomes easy. Just different.

Right now, though, my working theory is this: while kids are little, working can feel more manageable. Once they are older, staying home might feel more sustainable.

Still figuring it out

I’m also very much still figuring out my own ambition. Before kids, I was career-driven and achievement-oriented. Motherhood has forced me, like it does so many women, to take a hard look at my priorities. What do I actually want from my career long term?

I know I don’t want to be home all day at this stage. I also know I don’t feel motivated to grind or climb a ladder just for the sake of it. I’m somewhere in the middle, trying to define a version of work and motherhood that feels aligned with the season I’m in.

And I think that’s true for most of us.

We’re all building our own version of motherhood and career in real time, adjusting as we go, and doing the best we can with the information and energy we have right now.