Is this normal toddler behavior… or something more?
If you have a toddler, perhaps you’ve asked yourself some version of this question: Is this just normal toddler behavior, or is something bigger going on?
I’m in the thick of this with my son, who just turned three. For about a year now, we’ve been trying to figure out whether what we’re seeing is typical two- to three-year-old chaos, or whether it’s pointing to something like ADHD or another behavioral challenge. I wanted to share our experience because it can feel really lonely when you’re in it. Sometimes it helps just to know someone else is asking the same questions.
Looking back at the early days
Looking back, his early babyhood was pretty uneventful in the best way. He was happy, slept well, and ate well. We struggled with breastfeeding at first, but once we got through that, he hit all his milestones and nothing really stood out. I didn’t have that gut feeling that something was “off.”
The first signs around 18 months
The first blip came around 18 months, when he went through a biting phase. It wasn’t aggressive. It felt more like excitement overload. When he got worked up or overstimulated, biting was how it came out. It happened with other kids at daycare, cousins, and yes, us too. Eventually, that phase passed.
When the meltdowns started to feel bigger
Things really shifted after he turned two. That’s when the meltdowns started to feel big. Transitions were brutal. Asking him to do something he didn’t want to do often led to explosive reactions. Some meltdowns were long, and some days felt like one continuous struggle. As first-time parents, my husband and I were constantly asking each other, Is this normal? It felt intense, stressful, and honestly overwhelming, but we didn’t know where the line was between a hard toddler stage and something that wasn’t typical.
Daycare concerns and outside support
Daycare started raising concerns too. Over the course of a couple of months, he was sent home three different times. Twice because he was inconsolable all day and couldn’t be settled, and once because his behavior had turned aggressive, hitting classmates and creating an unsafe environment. That was hard to hear. Daycare connected us with someone from the county who came in every few weeks to work with him. While it wasn’t frequent or intensive enough to make a huge difference, it did help to have another professional involved and observing him.
Life changes and a temporary reset
At the same time, life was a lot. He was potty training. I was pregnant. We were preparing for baby number two. When our second was born, we pulled him out of daycare for two months to avoid illnesses. During that time, things felt a bit calmer. The meltdowns didn’t disappear, but they were shorter. We had genuinely good days. It felt like maybe we were turning a corner.
A stricter classroom and mixed feelings
When he returned to daycare, he moved into the next class, and this is where things got interesting. His new teacher is significantly more strict. At times, it borders on mean. Honestly, it’s a little intimidating. Normally, that’s not something I’d gravitate toward, but his behavior at daycare has improved dramatically. I think part of it is that he’s afraid of her. He tells us he doesn’t like Miss Erica. His previous teacher was wonderful and kind, but very gentle, and I don’t think boundaries were consistently held. As much as I struggle with the new teacher’s demeanor, the structure seems to be helping him. For now, we’re staying put.
Finally seeing a behavioral psychologist
After four long months on a waitlist, we finally saw a behavioral psychologist. If you’re even thinking about going this route, start early. Waitlists are no joke. The appointment confirmed what we’d already been hearing. At three years old, it’s too early for any real diagnosis. The plan is to monitor things over the next year or two, especially once he’s in a more structured school setting. If issues become truly disruptive there, that’s when more concrete steps are taken.
The late-night research spiral
Of course, that didn’t stop me from going down late-night Reddit rabbit holes. If you’ve ever done that, you know you can find anything to support whatever fear or hope you’re holding. Stories of kids who were melting down constantly at three and totally regulated by five. Stories of kids with ADHD whose parents say the signs were there all along. I found myself scanning lists of early indicators, trying to piece together where my son fits.
Living in the gray space
The biggest challenge for him is emotional regulation. That’s the piece that stands out the most. But other common signs aren’t really there. He’s not especially risk-seeking. He sleeps well and always has. So we’re left in this gray space. We have meltdown-free days where I think we’ve turned a corner and he’s an absolute angel.
Letting go of the need for answers
And that’s been the hardest part for me. I’m a planner. I like information, timelines, and action steps. Parenting has a way of stripping that control right out of your hands. This is one of those situations where there’s no clear answer yet and no fix. Just time.
What I’m focusing on now
So for now, my focus is this: loving my son exactly as he is. Helping him through his big feelings. Giving him tools, support, and patience. Not labeling him as “difficult,” because I truly believe that’s the worst thing I could do. He’s not a hard kid. He’s a good kid who sometimes has a hard time. Of course, this is all easier said then done. I have plenty of slip ups.
If you’re in this season too
The toddler years are not for the faint of heart. Two- and three-year-olds live in extremes. The sweetest, funniest moments can be followed by a meltdown that makes you question every life choice you’ve ever made.
You’re not alone in this. We’re figuring it out together, one deep breath at a time.